Wants and Wishes

Monologue of Mr. John B. Butler: A man with long curly hair, with a gut common for a gentlemen in his mid to late 40’s stands with his hands in the air, a scowl on his face, wearing a blazer, white shirt and tie, looking down with his mouth open, as if the photo was taken as he was lecturing someone or perhaps a small group.

Mr. John B. Butler:
[Enter stage facing a crowd of cheering people]
No. I know what you’re thinking and no. Don’t look at me that way. I am not who you think I am.
No. I am not even related to any branch of their party. No.

I don’t give a damn how much you think I resemble John C. Riley, I am not him. And for the ten billionth time I am in no way related to Will Ferrell either, okay? Jesus!

Give a man a break, will you? I mean… I am still a person aren’t I? No. Not to you right? You take interest for five measly seconds, just long enough to tell if I am who you think I am, and then you walk away forever when you realize I am not. My God! It just pisses me off you know?

What? Are you kidding me? No! I will damn well NOT sing Walk Hard!

I swear to God lady, if you ask me where my Jazz flute is one more time, I will shove my jazz flute so far up your…

Beat. Oh… no sir, I wasn’t talking to your wife. I was talking to the woman behind your wife.
Yes sir, I do apologize. Yes sir, she is a wonderful angel. You both have a blessed and wonderful day.

Beat. You know what I wish for more than anything in the world? That I had just taken that damn Walk Hard: The Story of Dewey Cox gig. Man, what was I thinking?

“Ruin, my reputation” I said! I said I needed a “real role”, and next thing you know where do I end up? At the Sundance Film Festival for playing a gay retard, in a movie about Indian Reservations and what I thought was sure to be the next Brokeback Mountain meets Forest Gump doesn't win shit, meanwhile, Riley and Ferrell, are winning a God Damn Golden Globe, for Best Comedy of the Year for spoofing the shit out of Johnny Cash!

More than anything in the world I wish I could do that over. What the hell was I thinking?

Beat. Excuse me? What did you just say to me sir? Did you just ask me for more cowbell? Your ass is dead!
[Dive into audience and Exit Stage]